Ballots, Brothels and Bullshit - A Woman's Take on the 2025 Election

Australia’s next federal election is shaping up to be a doozy. With climate change, cost-of-living crisis, and the occasional political scandal dominating the headlines, it’s hard to keep track of who’s who and what they stand for. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a rundown of the major players, their policies, and the inevitable drama that comes with Australian politics. And because we can’t resist, we’ll also take a look at how politics and the sex industry keep finding themselves in bed together.

Who’s Who in the Zoo

Anthony Albanese (Labor Party)

The Pitch: “A Fair Go for All”
Albo’s back, and this time he’s promising to tackle inequality, boost wages, and take climate change seriously. Labour’s pushing for renewable energy investments, better healthcare, and a federal anti-corruption commission (finally). But can Albo shake off his “small target” strategy and actually inspire voters? Or will he just keep reminding us he grew up in public housing?

Fun Fact: Albo once joked about being a “recovering politician” after a few too many beers at a pub. We’re all recovering from something, mate - especially your last 2 years.

Peter Dutton (Liberal Party)

The Pitch: “Strong Borders, Strong Economy”
Peter Dutton’s campaign is less about winning hearts and more about scaring the pants off voters—sound familiar? Like a certain ex-reality star-turned-politician from across the Pacific, Dutton’s betting big on “strong borders,” tax cuts, and a coal-fueled utopia (oh puhleeaase). With approval ratings lower than a cane toad’s belly, he’s out to convince Australians that he’s the tough, no-nonsense leader they didn’t know they wanted. The only thing missing is a red cap that says, Make Australia Afraid Again. Just NO!

Fun Fact: Dutton once called wind farms “utterly offensive.” Meanwhile, the rest of us are still offended that he’s the best the Liberals could come up with.

Adam Bandt (Greens)

The Pitch: “Climate Action Now”
The Greens are here to save the planet, one vegan sausage sizzle at a time. Bandt’s pushing for a Green New Deal, free childcare, and a crackdown on corporate greed (definitely like this one but like the prostitution laws how the heck will he police this given its so rampant). But can the Greens move beyond their inner-city bubble and appeal to the masses? Or will they keep being the political equivalent of a reusable coffee cup—admirable, but not for everyone?

Fun Fact: Bandt once wore a “Tax the Rich” T-shirt to Parliament. Bold move, Adam. Bold move.

Pauline Hanson (One Nation)

The Pitch: “Australia for Australians”
Pauline’s back, and she’s still mad about everything. One Nation’s platform includes cutting immigration, banning critical race theory, and bringing back the good old days (whatever that means). But with Hanson’s party plagued by infighting and scandal, can she still rally the “quiet Australians”? Or is she just shouting into the void?

Fun Fact: Hanson once suggested sex workers should wear uniforms. Because nothing says “freedom” like a government-mandated outfit.

The Policies: What’s on the Table

Climate Change: Labour and the Greens want action; the Liberals want coal. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to survive summer.

Cost of Living: Everyone’s promising to make life cheaper, but no one’s explaining how. Spoiler alert: it probably involves magic.

Integrity: Labour’s pushing for a federal ICAC; the Liberals are… less enthusiastic. Shocking, we know.

When Politics Meets the Sex Industry

Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room—or should we say, the elephant in the brothel. Because if there’s one thing Australian politics loves more than a good scandal, it’s a scandal involving sex.

Remember when Barnaby Joyce’s affair made headlines? Or when Craig Thomson was accused of using union funds for “adult entertainment”? And let’s not forget Clive Palmer’s bizarre suggestion that legalising brothels would boost the economy. Sure, Clive, because what Australia really needs is a “Pink GDP.”

But here’s the thing: while politicians love to moralise about sex work, they’re not exactly strangers to scandal themselves. From secret affairs to questionable decisions, it seems like the only thing thicker than a politician’s skin is their hypocrisy.

This Authors Take on this Election

So, as we gear up for the next election, let’s remember this: politics is a lot like the sex industry. There’s a lot of performance, a lot of promises, and a lot of people getting screwed. But at the end of the day, it’s all about who can deliver the goods.

Will Albo finally get his moment in the sun? Will Dutton manage to smile without terrifying small children? Will the Greens convince us to give up meat and capitalism (the latter I hope so)? And will Pauline Hanson ever stop being mad about everything?

Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: no matter who wins, we’ll all need a stiff drink—and maybe a visit to a brothel—to get through the next term.

P.S. If you’re reading this, Barnaby, no hard feelings. But maybe keep the vibe in check next time, yeah?

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual politicians, living or dead, is purely coincidental (but let’s be real, they’re probably reading this too).

Author: AmandaO
FOR: Langtrees.cum … I mean com

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