Found My New Job - Apprentice Professional Cuddler
What to do, I wondered—contemplating life’s little challenges. Namely, the glaring absence of the filthy lucre (aka money) thanks to a colourful history of fiscal sins. The loss of a business. A once-glorious house in City Beach. Oh, and a 30-year marriage—casually torpedoed by said sins and a few bonus personal quirks.
Sure, I’ve got a job. I’m a Professional Blog Writer for Langtrees VIP … yes, feel free to applaud. And sure, I had a Plan B: sell my self-published crime adventure series to Netflix, Stan, or HBO … whoever offers the biggest cheque and maybe lets me cameo as “Dead Body #2”. But while I wait for fame and fortune to knock, some extra pocket money wouldn’t go astray. Then, like divine intervention, or possibly caffeine overdose, it hit me. Professional Cuddler … So obvious. So soft. So potentially lucrative.
I turned to the oracle of all answers: Madama Google and BOOM … My Touch Therapy Australia jumped to the front of the cuddle train. Turns out becoming a professional cuddler involves actual training (yes, really), understanding boundaries (easy - I’ve been married), and learning how to screen clients so you don’t end up in a real-life episode of CSI: Spoonville.
According to Business Insider to become a professional cuddler, one needs to complete a certification course, understand boundaries, and potentially develop strategies for client screening and handling potential misunderstandings. This involves learning about various cuddle positions and techniques, while also establishing clear communication and consent protocols.
Apparently, there are entire organisations like Cuddle Therapy Australia offering certification. You learn all about cuddle positions (it’s a thing), client consent, communication, and how not to accidentally whisper “I love you” during a particularly emotional leg-entwining session.
Naturally, my next question: how much do cuddlers get paid? Websites like Cuddlist and Cuddle Sanctuary suggest rates from $60 to $300 an hour, with virtual sessions slightly cheaper. That’s right, hundreds of dollars to lie very still and radiate calm. I’ve been doing that for years! FOR FREE!
Steps to Becoming a Professional Cuddler (aka “Operation Human Pillow”):
Certification Training: Yes, there are cuddle diplomas. Fancy ones. Organisations like Cuddle Therapy Australia offer online and in-person training programs to become a certified cuddle therapist.
Understand Boundaries: This is not Tinder. It’s touch therapy. Pants stay on. Professional cuddling is always non-sexual and focuses on providing comfort and touch. Clear communication and consent are crucial throughout the process.
Client Screening: Email, Zoom chats, maybe a psychic reading … just don’t cuddle first, ask questions later. It's important to vet potential clients to ensure they understand the nature of the service and its boundaries.
Cuddle Techniques: Turns out “flop and hope” isn’t enough. There are levels of which the training covers various cuddle positions and techniques to provide optimum comfort and relaxation.
Effective Communication: Apparently grunting isn’t considered client-friendly. Establish clear communication and consent protocols with clients throughout the session.
Set Up Shop: Make a website or create online profiles to advertise your cuddle services. Try not to name it "Snuggle Dungeon." (Learned that one the hard way.)
Now, being married for 30 years taught me a thing or two about sexual boundaries, snoring, and how to share a doona without committing homicide. So I figure I’ve got half the curriculum down already.
Then came my stroke of genius … themed onesies. Feeling confident, I began visualising the next evolution: Magnum’s Professional Cuddling Services.
Marketing plan? Onesies.
For dog lovers? A fluffy white poodle suit to present as a huge mini poodle.
Outdoorsy types? A pink-grey hippo ensemble.
Feeling primal? Enter: The Lazy Jungle Tiger.
Want a gorilla? I can skip the costume altogether … natural advantages.
BUT WAIT—there’s more. I found out there are cuddling positions. Like actual named moves.
Entry-Level Snuggles:
The Embrace – classic hug, no tongue. A simple hug where you pull your client close and hold them tightly.
Holding Hands – for the shy snuggler. A way to stay connected and provide a sense of security.
Side Hugs – suitable for awkward Tinder meetups. A comfortable and intimate way to express affection.
Head on Lap/Shoulder – ultimate comfort (until the pins and needles set in).
The Classic Spoon Cuddle
Advanced Cuddle Combat:
The Spoon – one person lies on their side, facing the same direction as their partner, with their arm wrapped around them, creating a protective and intimate cuddle … timeless. intimate but can be slightly sweaty.
The Half-Spoon – similar to spooning, but one person lies on their side, while the other lies on their back with an outstretched arm to cuddle their partner … ideal for commitment-phobes.
Face-to-Face – similar to spooning, but one person lies on their side, while the other lies on their back with an outstretched arm to cuddle their partner … if you’ve brushed your teeth.
Leg Intertwine Hug
Leg Hug – entwine your legs with your partners for a comfortable and intimate cuddle … Sexy Twister comes to mind with this move.
Back-to-Back – lie with your backs touching, offering a sense of closeness while still allowing for some individual space together … physically close but emotionally distant.
Sweetheart’s Cradle – one person cradles their partner in their arms, offering a snug and secure cuddle perfect for rom-com re-enactments.
Lap Pillow – one person sits on the couch with their feet on the floor, while the other lies on their lap for a comfortable and supportive cuddle … for when your thighs are feeling generous.
Nuzzle Cuddle – lie close and gently nuzzle your partner's face or neck for a tender and affectionate cuddle, not suitable if you’re allergic to affection (or cologne).
Now before you go thinking cuddling is just two warm bodies mashed together like dropped lasagna, let me enlighten you with some pro-cuddling tips because apparently there is an art to lying down and not being weird about it.
Communicate: Yes, talk. Shocking, I know. But asking your cuddle buddy if they like “spooning with a side of head patting” or prefer the ol’ back-to-back like cranky married penguins can really take things from awkward to “awww.”
Use Your Voice: Not for snoring (we’ve all been scarred), but for checking in. A soft “How’s this?” or “Do you prefer cheek-to-cheek or forehead-to-armpit?” can be oddly comforting. Plus, it makes you sound like a real pro and not just a lonely human blanket.
Create a Relaxing Environment: We’re not cuddling in a carpark here. Think soft lighting, cozy throws, and maybe even a little Enya playing softly in the background (unless you want to cuddle to Slayer, no judgement—just fewer repeat clients). A soothing setting helps prevent both panic and pins-and-needles.
What I really love about this idea, though, is that it’s not just about getting paid to hug strangers in fuzzy outfits—it’s about human connection. Real, warm, platonic affection in a world that’s often too cold, too fast, and too disconnected. And honestly, at $60-$300 an hour, I might end up slipping them a fiver for the emotional comfort.
So YES it’s a go. Magnum’s Professional Cuddling Services is in development. Bring your anxiety, your stress, your loneliness and possibly your own onesie. I’ll be waiting with open arms (and possibly snacks).
Yours in fluff and professional spooning – Magnum (Certified Hug Dealer & Full-Time Human Pillow) For: Langtrees.com
NZ