What to do, I wondered—contemplating life’s little challenges. Namely, the glaring absence of the filthy lucre (aka money) thanks to a colourful history of fiscal sins. The loss of a business. A once-glorious house in City Beach. Oh, and a 30-year marriage—casually torpedoed by said sins and a few bonus personal quirks.
Sure, I’ve got a job. I’m a Professional Blog Writer for Langtrees VIP … yes, feel free to applaud. And sure, I had a Plan B: sell my self-published crime adventure series to Netflix, Stan, or HBO … whoever offers the biggest cheque and maybe lets me cameo as “Dead Body #2”. But while I wait for fame and fortune to knock, some extra pocket money wouldn’t go astray. Then, like divine intervention, or possibly caffeine overdose, it hit me. Professional Cuddler … So obvious. So soft. So potentially lucrative.
I turned to the oracle of all answers: Madama Google and BOOM … My Touch Therapy Australia jumped to the front of the cuddle train. Turns out becoming a professional cuddler involves actual training (yes, really), understanding boundaries (easy - I’ve been married), and learning how to screen clients so you don’t end up in a real-life episode of CSI: Spoonville.
According to Business Insider to become a professional cuddler, one needs to complete a certification course, understand boundaries, and potentially develop strategies for client screening and handling potential misunderstandings. This involves learning about various cuddle positions and techniques, while also establishing clear communication and consent protocols.
Apparently, there are entire organisations like Cuddle Therapy Australia offering certification. You learn all about cuddle positions (it’s a thing), client consent, communication, and how not to accidentally whisper “I love you” during a particularly emotional leg-entwining session.
Naturally, my next question: how much do cuddlers get paid?
Websites like Cuddlist and Cuddle Sanctuary suggest rates from $60 to $300 an hour, with virtual sessions slightly cheaper. That’s right, hundreds of dollars to lie very still and radiate calm. I’ve been doing that for years! FOR FREE!
Now, being married for 30 years taught me a thing or two about sexual boundaries, snoring, and how to share a doona without committing homicide. So I figure I’ve got half the curriculum down already.
Then came my stroke of genius … themed onesies. Feeling confident, I began visualising the next evolution: Magnum’s Professional Cuddling Services.
BUT WAIT—there’s more. I found out there are cuddling positions. Like actual named moves.
Now before you go thinking cuddling is just two warm bodies mashed together like dropped lasagna, let me enlighten you with some pro-cuddling tips because apparently there is an art to lying down and not being weird about it.
What I really love about this idea, though, is that it’s not just about getting paid to hug strangers in fuzzy outfits—it’s about human connection. Real, warm, platonic affection in a world that’s often too cold, too fast, and too disconnected. And honestly, at $60-$300 an hour, I might end up slipping them a fiver for the emotional comfort.
So YES it’s a go. Magnum’s Professional Cuddling Services is in development. Bring your anxiety, your stress, your loneliness and possibly your own onesie. I’ll be waiting with open arms (and possibly snacks).
Yours in fluff and professional spooning – Magnum
(Certified Hug Dealer & Full-Time Human Pillow)
For: Langtrees.com
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“Okay, this is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I’m now deeply considering a career in cuddle therapy.”
“This blog is truly a gem—hilarious, heartfelt, and sneakily insightful. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at “CSI: Spoonville,” and I appreciated the honest reflection behind the humor. Transforming financial chaos and personal loss into cuddle-powered entrepreneurship? That’s genius. If cuddling is becoming the new currency, Magnum is poised to be incredibly wealthy—in both cash and connections.”
“Looks like it's time to embrace the cuddly side of life and make some money by spreading warmth instead of worries!”
“Sign me up ... I've got a new side-hustle! ”