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Missionary Position: Why This “Basic” Move Is Actually the Crown Jewel of Bedroom Artistry (Yes, Really)
Let’s clear the sheets on something: missionary only sucks if you suck at it.
If your idea of missionary is flopping on top like a deflated air mattress, thrusting away while she mentally drafts tomorrow’s grocery list—congrats, you’ve successfully made the most intimate position in history feel like waiting at Centrelink.
But done right? Really done right? It’s basically a spiritual awakening. Honestly, it should come with a church choir and a government health warning.
Sure, you might say: “Nah mate, I’m a bend-her-over-the-kitchen-bench kinda guy.”
Respectfully, same. We all love a bit of countertop carnage.
But here’s the thing: missionary is the home base for connection. It’s face-to-face combat. It’s sweaty, primal, and loaded with eye contact so intense it could ignite nearby curtains.
In fact, a WeVibe Sex Survey found that missionary still rates as their go-to favourite position. And why? Because it hits all the right notes: closeness, control, and versatility.
This is where blokes go wrong.
They treat missionary like it’s the microwave dinner of sex positions—press start, wait three minutes, done. Nah. Missionary isn’t fast food, it’s a slow-cooked feast.
Start with the kiss.
Not a polite “I hope you’re enjoying yourself” kiss. We’re talking slow, dirty, deliberate.
The kind of kiss that says, “If my lips are here, imagine where else they’re about to be.”
And once you’re lined up, tease. Rub, glide, tempt. If she’s arching her hips or giving you the “insert yourself immediately or I will burn this house down” look, you’re doing it right.
Think of yourself not as a jackhammer, but as an artisan sculptor of pleasure.
Tilt those hips. Find that angle where your pelvis isn’t just slamming—it’s grinding like you're sculpting her soul. Missionary isn’t about counting thrusts. It’s about creating art. Slow, smooth, soul-stealing strokes.
Fun fact? Studies show that angling the pelvis 5 to 15 degrees can drastically increase G-spot stimulation. Yes, science backs your hip tilts. (Study via Journal of Sexual Medicine)
Please, for the love of orgasms everywhere, don’t just plank like you’re lost in a yoga class.
Grab her thighs, cradle her head, pull her hips in like she’s the last slice of pizza on earth.
Touch isn’t just a bonus—it’s essential. According to a 2022 Kinsey Institute report, 92% of women said that full-body contact during sex is crucial for reaching orgasm.
Skip the cheesy “Oh yeah, take it” lines. Porn’s got enough of that.
Say what you feel:
“You feel so fucking good.”
“I love the way you’re reacting to me.”
“Don’t take your eyes off me.”
Watch her spine arch like you’ve activated a hidden power-up. Her eyes will dilate like a cat spotting a laser pointer, and right there—that’s your magic moment.
Eye contact during missionary is basically emotional witchcraft.
It tells her you’re not just there to fuck—you’re there to ruin her, respectfully.
Not even joking, a National Library of Medicine study found that sustained eye contact boosts feelings of connection and sexual satisfaction by up to 70%.
Look, we all love variety.
Throw in a bit of doggy, a sprinkle of reverse cowgirl, maybe even a standing shower struggle for the adventurous.
But missionary—when done properly—isn’t just a position. It’s an experience.
So next time you find yourself in this so-called “boring” position, remember:
Take your time … Make it count … And for the love of all things sweaty, use your hands. Because when missionary’s done right, it’s not basic.
It’s bloody transcendent.
Author: Master Yoda
FOR: Langtrees.com
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