Wikipedia, in its usual overly clinical style, tells us:
A pheromone is a secreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Translation? Ants use them to say, “Follow me to the buffet,” and bees use them to scream “INTRUDER!” while launching a coordinated aerial assault.
The term pheromone itself was coined in 1959 by two scientists Peter Karlson and Martin Lüscher in 1959 based on the Greek φέρω phérō ('I carry') and ὁρμων hórmōn ('stimulating') who, like most scientists, likely had too much time, a Greek dictionary, and possibly no luck on Tinder.
Now, according to Healthline, there’s still debate over whether humans even have pheromones. Some say yes, some say no, and others just say, “Stop smelling people.”
Most of us know from our diet of National Geographic documentaries that ants and bees, and other insects, exude or excrete pheromones. Evidence shows for example that insects leave scent trails for the community directing them to and from the nest or hive, and a different scent to sound the alarm when predators arrive at the door.
Further I am sure most of us have also seen when the male lion pulls that ridiculous face as he tests for a female’s sexual readiness, (totally necessary because you really don’t want to hit on an unreceptive lioness). Meta AI instructs us that “This facial expression, known as the Flehmen response, is a way for them to analyse scents, particularly those related to mating. Lions have a special organ called the vomeronasal or Jacobson's organ located in the roof of their mouth. The primary reason for the Flehmen response is to determine if a female lion is in oestrus (heat) and receptive to mating.”
But let’s get to the important part: George.
If you’ve read my blogs, you’ll remember George, who once used Chinese horoscopes to select a sex worker with dire consequences, so you know he makes many a poor life choice. Anyway, George fixated with the movie Scent of a Woman, misunderstood the entire plot, and became convinced that he, too, had a gift. Not for acting blind like Al Pacino, but for smelling sexual readiness. Not based on science, mind you — just pure, unfiltered George logic.
He believed he could detect when a woman was in the mood just by smell. This belief, tragically, became the foundation of his first marriage — and ultimately, its demise.
Now, his wife (let’s call her Sheila, mainly to protect her from further humiliation) once whispered to him in the early days of romance, “I’m bi.” George, with his trousers already halfway off and his brain fully checked out, thought he’d hit the jackpot. Bisexual! “Threesomes ahoy!”
Years later, during a therapy session or perhaps a police report, he learned she had meant bi-polar … Not quite the same experience.
Still, George persisted in what he proudly called his “pheromone research.” After watching a documentary featuring a male lion performing the Flehmen response (as shown in the illustration above), George, armed with confidence and zero common sense, decided it was a technique worth testing.
There he was, “working down south” as he so romantically puts it — until, for reasons known only to George and possibly a few neurologists, he froze, lifted his head, and made the lion face, full tongue curl, eyes half-shut, sniffing the air like he was about to pick up the scent of wildebeest. Sheila, understandably, opened her eyes to see her husband impersonating a constipated safari animal between her thighs.
Her reaction?
Let’s just say George was swiftly introduced to the pain of a bare foot slamming into the crown jewels. He curled into a ball, yowled like an alley cat, and may or may not have blacked out to the sound of his own regret.
But did that stop him? Of course not.
You’d think George might have learned his lesson that night with the lion face, the mid-coital sniff test, and the swift kick to his dignity. But alas, George is nothing, if not a dedicated (if wildly unqualified) researcher in the field of marital biology. So naturally, he expanded his "pheromone studies" to include detecting when his wife was menstruating. By smell.
Now, most of us with even a basic survival instinct know that approaching a woman during PMT like a bloodhound with a death wish is a terrible idea. But not George. Oh no. George believed he had a gift … a 6½ sense that allowed him to sniff out hormonal shifts like a human weather balloon.
And so, month after month, with the confidence of a man who’s never read a room, George would loudly proclaim to his wife, and anyone within earshot, that he had detected signs of “an approaching storm.” He would say this with the same authority as a weatherman pointing at a Doppler radar, except his forecast often ended in emotional tsunamis and flying household objects.
Despite her denials. Despite her mortification. Despite her begging him to fucking stop. George never did. Because George is George, and to this day, he believes he wasn’t wrong … just “misunderstood.”
Although, to be fair, the dog still won't go near him when there's a full moon.
Science in 2025 still can’t confirm whether humans produce pheromones. Despite George’s years of unlicensed experiments, there is no conclusive proof that your nose can guide you to someone’s libido. Ants? Sure. Bees? Absolutely. Lions? With flair.
But humans? Yeah... nah.
Still, that hasn’t stopped perfume companies from selling bottled confidence under the name "Pheromone X" or “Alpha Attract.” And it certainly hasn’t stopped blokes like George from following their noses into all sorts of trouble.
Maybe one day his theories will be vindicated, but until then, we kindly suggest George, and any man entertaining similar ideas, keep their sniffing to safer, less emotionally explosive things… like wine, flowers, fresh bread, or a new car interior. Because some scents are sacred, and others will get you sleeping on the couch with an ice pack and a restraining order.
Smell you later
Regards, Magnum
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