Take a seat and unzip your ego, as we prepare for a full-frontal roast of the biggest pile of digital bollocks making its way around the male internet: “pickup texting coaches - those human protein shakes who've got six-pack abs, a rented Lambo in the background, and a $499 PDF telling you that if you just say this one magic sentence, she’ll instantly crave your manhood like it’s a kebab at 3am.
These blokes will have you believe women are like vending machines. Just type in the right code, and out pops affection, admiration, and maybe even a topless photo. And the worst part? Some of you are actually trying this shit.
Let’s unpack some of their genius advice:
1. “Hey trouble ”
Translation: “I’ve got zero originality and I Googled this at 2am while eating Shapes in my jocks.”
If I had a dollar for every woman who’s rolled her eyes at this line, I could buy Twitter and ban every bloke who uses it.
2. “I just had to risk looking like a dork and say hi ”
Congratulations, Sir Simp-a-Lot. You’ve just won the award for Most Passive Attempt at Courage. This line screams “I saw this in a Reddit thread and panicked.”
You didn’t risk looking like a dork — you achieved it.
3. “You have this energy I can’t explain…”
Mate, you’ve never met her, her profile picture has energy? Or was it the filtered photo with her dog and a cocktail that really spoke to your soul?
You’re not connecting with her aura. You’re horny and projecting like an unmedicated theatre kid.
Because they’re flogging hope. In a world where dating is confusing and porn is free, they sell “the formula.” The dream that you too, with the right emoji placement and a well-timed ghosting tactic, can become Casanova with a cracked iPhone.
Here’s the truth bomb, fellas: They’ve seen it all. Every “u up?” text. Every "Oops, didn't mean to send that gym selfie" and every tragic attempt at negging that sounds like you're negging yourself.
They don’t want a script. They want authenticity and maybe a bloke who doesn’t call himself an “alpha” unless he’s talking about software versions.
What actually work? Try this: be a real damn person
Speak like you're talking to an actual human, not auditioning for Love Island: Text Edition.
Dating isn’t a cheat code to unlock Sexy Times. It’s more like emotional bumper cars — clumsy, chaotic, and half the time you’re just trying not to accidentally flirt with a bot.
Ladies — what’s the worst (or weirdest) line you’ve ever received?
Gents — what’s the dumbest tip you’ve ever followed?
Drop your best (or worst) in the comments. Let’s have a laugh, start a brawl, or maybe even learn a thing or two! Because if nothing else — at least we’re not texting “Hey stranger?” and thinking we’re Moses parting the Red Sea of dating.
Author: Master Yoda
FOR: Langtrees.com
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“That headline says it all! Great reminder to keep it real, be confident, and not try too hard when texting. ?? ”
“Somewhere, a text coach just punched the air. Beautiful work.”
“I've never used pickup lines and I'm not attracted by them also. I believe in keeping it real, I'm not into small talk really either, but try to get to the bare-bones of a conversation.”
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