We’ve all heard the saying: “couldn’t organise a root in a brothel”. Well, some of you champions somehow manage to get inside one, hand over the cash, pick a girl… and still end up going home with nothing but a lighter wallet and a story you’ll never live down. I’ve seen smarter moves from pigeons walking into sliding glass doors.
Mistake #1: Broadcasting Your Visit Live on Google Maps
Leaving your phone location on. Mate… that’s not just sloppy, that’s Olympic-level stupid. Your mates can literally track your dot as it sits for an hour at “Lotus Blossom Health Spa” — conveniently located between a muffler shop and a Thai takeaway. You might as well post an Instagram story from the waiting room holding up two condoms and a bottle of lube.
Mistake #2: The ATM of Shame
Every brothel has an ATM. Do not — I repeat — do not use it while linked to the joint account, your business account, or anything that can be traced. Nothing says “I’ve been out for some fun” quite like the bank statement reading “The Velvet Touch ATM – $300”. Bonus points if you skip the ATM and direct transfer the money to the working girl’s personal account. “Who’s Tiffany?” “Oh, she’s the new financial advisor, mate.” Sure she is.
Mistake #3: Receipts, Tickets & Brothel Menus in Your Jeans
Laundry day — you pull a little paper ticket out of your pocket: Room 6 – 1 hour. That’s not a clue, that’s a signed confession. I even heard of one bloke who left the laminated brothel menu in his glovebox. Imagine the boys rifling through for jumper cables and finding “Greek +$50” in pink highlighter.
Mistake #4: Public SWAT Team Raids
Some people don’t even play detective — they go full raid mode. They burst through the door, zero in like a sniper, and demand their mate “come out right now”. The rest of us are just sitting in robes, trying not to make eye contact like, “Yep… we’re all about to be on A Current Affair.”
Hall of Fame Excuses
When caught mid-session or just after, blokes try:
Bonus Busted Stories — The Darwin Awards of Punting
Why They Actually Punt
It’s not always about desperation. Some just haven’t had a decent bit of fun in years and want to feel alive again. Some want to try things they’d never mention to anyone else — BDSM, roleplay, being spanked while called a “bad little bin chicken”. Some literally just want to talk. Brothels double as therapy with boobs. You’d be amazed how fast a man will open up about his life when there’s a topless woman nodding supportively.
The Lifestyle Punters
And then you’ve got the lifers. Even if life is cruising along nicely, they still want that ego hit of being wanted. It’s not about romance. It’s about the dopamine rush of being the king — even if it’s only for 45 minutes and costs $250.
Survival Tips for the Hopeless
If you must punt:
Does anyone have any stories like this? If so please chime in on the comment section. Would love to hear some of these.
Even if it’s not you, and it’s just someone you know!
Author: Master Yoda
For: Langtrees.com
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“Thank you for your amazing blog about staying discreet in an establishment — such a great read! Cash is definitely KING! ? Here is some of tips that I love to include Protecting Privacy: Not everyone wants their personal choices or whereabouts shared publicly. Knowing how to stay discreet helps maintain boundaries and personal reputation. 2. Respecting the Venue’s Rules: Many establishments have strict policies about photography, behavior, or confidentiality. Being mindful helps avoid unnecessary trouble or bans. 3. Ensuring Safety: Discretion often goes hand-in-hand with safety — avoiding unwanted attention or misunderstandings that can escalate situations.”
“This had me in stitches—the glitter bomb and group chat fails are pure gold! Pro tip: if you're sneaking out, skip the body shimmer and double-check your pockets. Cash, no phone, no evidence—basic ninja skills, lads. ?”
“??? hahaha I remember my ex forgot to empty his pocket . I did the washing n boy the look on his face when I gave him the paper slip he forgot to pull out of his pocket ,???”
“"Turn your location off"...so many are hopeless when it comes to the tech stuff, come on guys its 2025, this is entry level punter stuff now.”
“It’s funny how often they underestimate the women around them! wives, workers, and even receptionists. Everyone sees more than they think. Do you think it’s denial or just plain ego that blinds them?”
“Haha, great tips! That ego boost can be a dangerous game, but it’s real.”
“ Biggest pro (pardon the pun) tip — TURN YOUR LOCATION SERVICES COMPLETELY OFF if you have to bring your phone. There’s far too much room for error with it on. Snapchat, Facebook, Find My iPhone, Life360, Uber, BeReal — even photos can give away your exact location. Once you turn it off, you’ll be surprised how many apps are quietly tracking you in the background. Settings → Privacy & Security → Location Services → OFF (or toggle per-app to Never). Settings → [your name] → Find My → Share My Location → OFF (and consider pausing Find My temporarily). When you delete messages, clear the “Recently Deleted” folder as well. The same goes for photos and screenshots. Use private browsing when you’re on escort sites to keep your history clean, and avoid saving numbers or names that might later draw attention. When it comes to payment, cash is king (as we all know). Most venues do have discreet ATMs or EFTPOS machines, but your girlfriend might not believe that you suddenly spent thousands at a “printing shop” when you’re a tradie or “24/7 tyre repairs” when your car’s fine. It’s only a matter of time before the transaction details raise questions. People slip up in the lies more than the act itself. That said, I feel like cash withdrawals could look suspicious too — especially when you share a bank account with a partner, or when they’re frequent or in neat round numbers. Honestly, I’m not sure how guys explain that one away. Maybe they go with the old “I’ve picked up a gambling habit” or “just been partying too much lately” excuse. I suppose “I’m secretly a drug addict” sounds marginally better than “I’m secretly a cheater” — but neither’s exactly a win. At least one makes you sound reckless instead of heartless. When punting, walking straight into a brothel with an open lounge probably isn’t the best idea — there’s always the chance you’ll bump into someone you know. If you’re trying to stay discreet but still want to visit popular open lounge venues like Langtrees (or Gotham in Melbourne, The Penthouse in Sydney, etc.), consider pre-booking a girl, entering through a back or side entrance, or asking for private introductions rather than sitting out front in the lounge. Most establishments are used to handling discretion-sensitive clients and are happy to accommodate — just call ahead and ask what they can do for you. And when in doubt, outcalls are always an option. If you’re booking an outcall, just make sure everything — from condoms to tissues — is completely and properly disposed of. Don’t leave anything in your car, inside bin, or pockets. Another thing to do is be mindful of strong perfume, glitter, and makeup transfer. Perth girls are usually more subtle I’ve found, unlike in cities like Sydney, where glitter sprays, shimmer body oils and bodies dowsed in various scents and sprays are more common — and everything sticks to clothing, skin, and sheets. Even something small, like a single lash extension or hair strand, can become evidence. If you explain your circumstances to a girl and request politely and respectfully for her to have a quick shower before the booking to rinse off any perfume or glitter, most will be more than happy to accommodate. It’s a simple precaution that makes a big difference in maintaining discretion — and most of us completely understand why you’d ask. Also, when getting a massage from a working girl, ask her to use lube instead of massage oil. We use water-based lube for sex as it’s condom-safe, so we’ll always have it on hand. Massage oil can be hard to rinse off completely in the shower, meaning you might still have a light oil residue on your skin later — which could easily raise questions with a partner. Lube, on the other hand, washes off effortlessly with just soap and water, making it a much safer option for discretion (especially during outcalls). It also ensures there’s no lingering residue left behind on sheets, towels, or clothing afterwards. It’s much easier to follow these steps than to end up doing a frantic full deep clean of the house, changing sheets, and running multiple loads of washing — especially if that’s not something you normally do. Sudden bursts of domestic effort tend to raise more questions than they erase. To be clear, I don’t condone seeing escorts behind a partner’s back. But I also understand that not everyone’s circumstances are black and white. My advice isn’t about encouraging dishonesty — it’s about reducing harm, protecting privacy, and avoiding unnecessary fallout that can deeply hurt people. Some people are actually happy for their partner to see escorts to fulfil their sexual desires, but would simply prefer not to have the visible reminders of it — and that’s fair too. Sorry for the massive spiel — hopefully you can take a moment to read through it, because I really do have a lot to say on the matter. These are just some of my takeaways through client suggestions, observations, and things I’ve learnt from other girls along the way. It’s been interesting watching how people navigate this world — both carefully and carelessly.”
“Men need this guide, while they seem like obvious steps to take... These are actually all ways they are getting busted!! Missing even one of these step by step guides you are instantly in the dog house. ”
“Honestly, reading this felt like watching a nature documentary just a bunch of confused mammals waddling into danger with their wallets open and their common sense on airplane mode. You’d think by 2025, basic punting survival skills would be in the school curriculum. ‘Welcome to Year 10: Algebra, Australian History, and How Not to Leave a Brothel Paper Trail That Ends Your Marriage and Career in One Go.”
“Some guys just have a talent for turning simple things into hilarious disasters when trying to visit a brothel, and this is the funniest read ever”
“great advice, sometimes simple methods are the best methods to not get caught”
“Mate this is piss-funny ? The “ATM of Shame” got me, but I’ve gotta throw one in the ring… I know a bloke who thought he was slick punting on his lunch break. Paid cash, no receipts, covered his tracks perfect… except for one thing. He asked for a “special service” that left him covered in bloody GLITTER. Walked straight back into the office shining like a Mardi Gras float. Took HR about three seconds to clock him and ask, “So… big night at the craft table, was it?” Poor bugger spent weeks copping “Disco Dave” from the boys. Honestly, some blokes could hide a body better than they can hide a punt. ?♂️?”
“This is hilarious! It’s a reminder that honesty and discretion go a long way. Sometimes, the funniest stories teach the best lessons.”
“The ATM story had me crying ? who uses their joint account at a brothel?!”
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