Okay I'm pissed off and just have to vent.
Remember the good ol’ days when a tenner got you a meat pie, a coffee, and a pack of smokes? Now, unless you’ve taken up investment banking or robbing banks, cigarettes are basically a luxury item—like truffle oil or a Tesla.
In Australia, a single 25 pack of ciggies can set you back $40 to $50 or for a 40 pack $80 to $90, depending on your poison of choice. That’s not just a smoke break, it’s a minor financial crisis. You practically need a personal loan just to fund a night out with your old pal Winnie Blues.
So where is all this money going? Are they paving roads with gold-leaf filters? Is there a nationwide fund for ashtray art initiatives we don’t know about?
Not quite.
The government pockets a hefty chunk of this so-called “sin tax”—with over 70% of the retail price of tobacco made up of taxes. They say it’s to “offset the healthcare costs” of smoking, and fair enough, we get it—smoking isn’t winning any health awards.
But while we’re taxing smokers into poverty, guess what’s thriving? Alcohol sales. You know, that legal, widely-advertised intoxicant that actually fuels a majority of domestic violence cases, public brawls, emergency room visits, and the occasional suburban wrestling match with a street sign.
Yet booze gets a gentler tax slap on the wrist—barely enough to make a dent in a six-pack. Why? Because alcohol has better PR, and apparently, it doesn’t make politicians feel morally superior to regulate it. I seem to recall a time when Australia’s favourite larrikin, Paul Hogan, was puffing away in ads for Winfield cigarettes, throwing out taglines like “Anyhow… have a Winfield” with a wink and a grin. Incredibly smokes were 40 cents a packet back then. He was the Crocodile Dundee of darts, the Marlboro Man’s funnier cousin. And you know what? We Aussie's couldn't have been prouder of him. Literally nobody cared. We weren’t clutching pearls or chasing blokes down for having a smoke—we were too busy laughing and living.
With cigarette prices now competing with rent, the black market is booming like a dodgy ute stereo. Illicit tobacco sales are estimated to cost the government over $900 million a year in lost taxes, which ironically means their own strategy to price smoking out of existence is backfiring harder than a burnt-out Commodore.
You’d think our police resources would be better used tracking down meth labs, violent offenders, or literally anyone hoarding alpacas without a license. But no—we’ve got taxpayer-funded stings targeting tradies buying cheap smokes in a servo car park, like they’re orchestrating some underground nicotine cartel.
Meanwhile, Australia’s domestic violence statistics remain chilling, hardcore drug rings keep shipping in everything from ice to ecstasy in suspiciously large avocados, and emergency services are underfunded. But don’t worry—the authorities are laser-focused on busting a bloke for buying a carton of dodgy ciggies from “Big Bazza” in the Woolies carpark.
To the lovely folks in Canberra—thanks for turning a simple vice into a financial endurance sport. We know smoking isn’t great. We know it’s not healthy. But some of us just want to enjoy a cheeky puff without needing to re-mortgage the house or sell a kidney on Gumtree.
So, while you sit in taxpayer-funded leather chairs sipping your wine (which, ironically, is taxed far less than a pack of darts), just know: we see you. And we smell the hypocrisy—right behind the menthol (which of course are now banned as they are considered a flavoured cigarette). Fuck You pollies!
Author: AmandaO
FOR: Langtrees.com
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