What If God (or Rod) Was One Of Us

I think it happened. It might have been a dream, but if it was, it was super realistic. I had been at the monthly Langtrees Bloggers long lunch, and yes indulged in waaay too many complimentary bevvies. I was however otherwise very responsible and had caught the big green chariot of virtue provided by Transperth both to Burswood and much, much later back home to my spot under a bridge, where dreams - and bad decisions - go to nap.

I am sure that he said his name was God, however on sober reflection it might have been Rod. I had the Joan Osborne song What if God Was One of Us stuck in my head that tune being the last waltz at the lunch, which I had danced solo impressing the ladies, I am sure. But there I was slouched on the back seat of the bus next to an elderly white bearded man, scruffy and street-person-ish in appearance and reeking of much cheaper liquor then I had been imbibing AND he was humming that same tune. Then it got spooky because we both broke into song at the same time at that great verse (below) like some boozy karaoke miracle on wheels.

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make His way home

He introduced himself to me and again I heard God but I accept that it might have been Rod. He asked me “If I had one wish … what would it be”? 

Now, I could’ve asked for world peace, a healthy liver, or a lifetime supply of oysters. But no. I said I wanted to redesign the human sexual body. And this cryptic man nodded, as if to say, “Yes, my child. Go forth and fiddle with the flesh.”

As soon as I got home, I pushed aside the rough drafts of my next 100 Langtrees blogs, sat and started The Work of Rod. So, here’s my redesign plan for the human sexual bodies (both sexes). You're welcome, humanity.

Female Body (Version 2.0 - Rod Approved)

1. Four Boobs, Please. Two in the front, two on the upper back. For symmetry. Also for... hugging. Just imagine the lingerie market. Get in early, folks. I’m buying shares in The Bra Bar!
2. Anus Relocation. Let’s just say the current location? Taint ideal. So I’m moving it to the back crease of the left knee. Easier access, cleaner operation, no accidental pink-eye.
3. Urethra Repositioning. Why’s it all jammed up near Madam V? Give the Queen her space! Move the plumbing further down the leg. Keeps things classy.
4. Two Extra Arms & Hands. Installed midway down the torso to allow additional stroking and grasping of the male buttocks and manipulation of the twins. Really the possibilities are endless!
5. Everything Else Stays. Let’s be real, the current female model? Chef’s kiss. Just a few ergonomic tweaks for version 2.0.

Male Body

1. Tongue-Bot Attachment. A small, soft, vibrating tongue-like feature strategically placed above the penis base to allow the circling of the clitoris during penetration. Think of it as a clit-hugging cheerleader that never misses a beat. 
2. Leg-Anus Sync. If Rod accepts my suggestion of moving the anus to the back of the left leg (gender equality, people), double penetration becomes a geometric puzzle, but still totally do-able. Positions may vary; please refer to imaginary diagrams in my head.
3. The Backup Penis. A second penis that tucks away until the first penis gets tired and floppy. Because even the mightiest fall. This hidden reserve pops out when the main event says, “I’m tapping out.” Some call it redundancy. I call it wisdom.

Conclusion

So that’s my divine redesign, inspired by a mysterious public transport prophet and a suspiciously divine duet. Will Rod (or God) make it so? I’ve filed it in my next prayer, just behind "make hangovers illegal."

Wish me luck. And as always … Rod bless.

Author: Magnum
For: Langtrees.com

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